Joolez Talk

Stupid Girl

That was a Garbage song from like ages ago! And that is what I am today.

I tried so hard to work on a layout that I wanted to look a certain way, and although I have gotten so close every time I started new, I never got it to look quite the way I wanted to. So finally I went back to a tables layout instead of a layer, but it's not 100% what I wanted either. And I wanted layers.

So, stupid girl, go to bed, grab a cat, have her (or him) purr you to sleep.

Yesterday I dug out the manual of my camera, and shoot me, but that's 156 pages! And there is so many functions that I can hardly remember half of them! And I'll be darned if I'd remember them right when I need them! There is one cute thing, I can store like 5 camera-settings. But since I hardly know which ones I might need, and when in need I can most likely not remember which one it is 1,2,3,4,5??? I am not sure if that really makes it any easier. Go figure!

And there I was thinking a digital camera would make my life easier. It probably would, if I hadn't insited on buying one that has all the gimmicks you can think of. How do photographers do it? How can they switch their setting in a second when need be.

Today I am: Stupid Girl.

P.S. I liked that song

I love New York

I just watched the last episode of "Sex and the City" and I loved seeing Paris, the Seine, la tour eiffel and all there is to see. Becasue I love Paris, and it seeing it reminds me of the many times I have been there. And the fun I had.

But later when Carrie is coming back to New York and is walking down a street, maybe one I know, maybe one I don't, I knew it: I love New York.

Now I am here, all sentimental, looking at the pictures in my photobook, and can hardly believe that there was a time, when I was walking these streets, in this city, that used to be my home. Even though for only 3 years, but it was home nevertheless. They say. "Home is where your heart is". Well, I left my heart in New York.

Lazy Sunday

The ghost made a wonderful breakfast so we could eat together. Then he had to leave for work again, leaving me with a wonderful sunday at home alone. Which comes in handy. I wanted to take a look at Photo Impact. My photographs suck, although I bought this really great digital camera last year as my birthday present.

I am just not a photographer. But maybe with a little enhancing play I can make something out of the pictures I took.

Later I want to try to build a whole website with swish (same as flash) and not just funny gimmicks. Sunday is perfect for this. Now I only have to convince Lilli-cat that she should take a nap like the other cats do. That's going to be tough. She doesn't want to spend a single moment away from me. Funny cat. I'll probably get her a chair next to me, so she can stay close without having to sleep on the keyboard.

Funny German

I was watching an Angel episode last night and it had some guy - of course a Nazi, what else - speak german. I had such a hard time understanding what this poor sod was trying to pronounce, of course they also tried to make him talk in a Nazi-staccato, which made it even harder. But in the end I just gave up and wished they had english subtitles for him. But most likely it wasn't very important anyhow, otherwise they would have had subtitles.

Same thing has happened to me before on Alias, when they make the poor woman speak german or french. I just wish they wouldn't or would have a german or french dub it for them. It's so awful, and nobody german or french can understand it. Actually the french was better than the german.

It's so hilarious how all the german references are always linked to a certain thing. I really wonder, has anyone of those people who are writing that stuff ever been in Germany? Where do they get that crap from? Disneyworld? I've seen the showcase at Epcot, and the german pavillion they have there. Trust me that is a) bavarian and not "german" and b) nobody in bavaria is as bavarian as they like to show there. Very warped images.

But one thing is true though, most germans living in the US, I met, who are in their sixties now are more german in the US than any german in Germany.

Funny how my mothers aunt in LA asked me if we had a refrigerator in Germany, or a TV. She was adorable. She also was 87 and had seen germany only once, right after the war, when she emigrated to America. Growing up in Yugoslavija, as a german, like the rest of our family she didn't really know much about germany at all. And I didn't really want to shock her. She was so sweet and nice. And she talked funny, an adorable mix between that old german my grandmother spoke and english. She never quite knew in what language she should speak to me. I loved that. And I am happy I visited her. Although that was the first time in my life I saw fleas. Her cat was full of it and brought them home. I was wearing white socks and in a matter of minutes they were black. And I had so many flea bites I couldn't even count. My legs were just one really big flea feast!

In LA I also learned about "german cockroaches". Now I am still not sure if somebody was just pulling my leg or if they were serious. In case they were serious: People I have lived in germany most of my life and I NEVER saw one single cockroach at all. But the ones in LA were huge!!!!!! And while living in NY I can't even count how many I saw. So I don't know where those german cockroaches came from, but I am almost sure: not from Germany :-)

GAy, lesbian, hetero, who cares?

I still don't get why some people find it important to mention that somebody is gay or lesbian, when they tell you something about that person. I wonder if they think that this will let the story look any different. I have friends and colleagues who are gay / lesbian and I never think about it. I doubt they look at me differently because I am not. I mean what is different about them compared to me? I don't see anything. What's the big deal?

Noah Grey, whose photographs I adore (as well as his greymatter, for which just I am too dumb to use it, so I am here), has written something about it and how he wonders if there is a "gay lifestyle" entry . Yes, I wonder too. I have always thought people are people. I've never given much thought to their ethnicity, lifestyle, money, sex or whatever. What I do care about is how they treat other people, well, not only people but also any living creature. Ethnicity, sex, money, lifestyle doesn't describe them, and it doesn't automatically make them "better" or "lesser". Not every arab is a fundamentalist, and it's not "clothes" that make people. Obviously there are people who want to be judged by their clothes / lifestyle etc. But ultimately that doesn't define them. It only paints a picture of maybe how they want to be seen, or of what they think is important to be seen. Because you can't be somebody else. You will always be yourself and something is always going to give it away.

So why not make yourself comfortable with yourself instead, and stop worrying about lifestyle and look. And live your life the way it makes you happy and possibly that of others around you too. I am convinced that if people like themselves the way they are, they are going to like others too. And although that kind of view is probably a childs view, I believe it no less true, only because it is so simple.

Sometimes things are not as complicated as we like to see them, because it makes us look more intelectual. Sometimes things are very simple and if we don't start looking at them the way they are, instead of making a big thing out of it, then we will probably never be able to solve them.

So please stop telling me if somebody is gay / lesbian if you tell me about those people. Because it doesn't make them different. Or you will have to start telling me if somebody is bald, overweight, shortsighted, long-haired, waering a red sweater .... if you tell me about them, and I really couldn't care less. In that respect I am like my cats. They really don't care for my clothes, my sexuality, my lifestyle ........ they care if I treat them well, and if I love them. And they show me their affection no matter if I have a bad-hair day or if I have a lot of money, or struggle to get by.

And while I am at it: I do have 2 gay cats. So people, if you thought being gay was only some "deranged" thing that people do: you are wrong! Being gay is a natural as not being gay. And there are plenty of animals to prove it, because it happens there too. And you will not argue with me that animals don't think about their sexuality. They don't contemplate if they are gay / lesbian or hetero, or why they are. And other animals don't think about their sexuality, fur-color, if they have only one eye (one of my "gay" cats only has one) or anything else as well. They just are what they are. And I love my gay cats as much as I love my other cats. Because if they are obnoxious it's not because of their gay lifestyle, the other cats are just as obnoxious, or as adorable. And I don't care for their fur-color or if they are one-eyed either.

And then it hit me

today I was having a conversation with a friend and she asked me if I live in an apartment, and then it hit me: I don't "live" in an apartment. I am only co-habitating the place. the apartment belongs to my cats!

they agreed to let us live here, when we are not at work. they accept we need a place to go when we come home from work. and in return we have agreed to serve them food and clean their litter boxes, and interfere as little as possible with their social life.

we try to be very quiet at night when we curl up on the cushion in front of the bed. so we won't disturb their light sleep. sometimes we try to sneak up to the bed. and if they liked the food we served them, they will let us. they are very generous.

what have I become to? a cat servant. a low-life being. only looking out for a gentle purr and gracious meow to make my day. all those years of school and studies were lost when I was adopted by the first cat.

No improvements

with voice, so far. last nights visit at the doctor only left me with an absolutely terrifying inspection of my nasal and vocal "inner life". as soon as I sat on that torturers chair he took out that awfully long and flexible endoscopic device which he was intent on sticking down my throat. holy shit!

after a struggle of what became really unpleasant I ripped it out and nearly threw up. so he suggested giving me some lidocaine so I would not fight it. ok. I am taking it.

that didn't really relax the situation, as now he had to spray the stuff down my throat. but for that he had to reach in there with another terrifying object. finally he decided to spray this through my nose. at this point I am nearly fainting with tears in my eyes. doctor consoling me and patting my hand.

finally he had managed to spray everything neccessary and stick that endoscopic thing through my nose down my throat. with every millimeter of him going down there, I am backing up 2 meter against the wall, which unfortunately doesn't work, as chair is static and mounted to the floor, so I am only pressing against it and slouching down.

finally he had it all inspected and pulls out the thing. I am nearly dead and soaked wet with sweat.

so now he is prescribing me a very strong medicine (bad for the stomach - ain't I lucky?? because my stomach is not in best shape anyway) and a creme for my nose. which supposedly tastes worse than than spray. thanks doctor! I am delighted!

and what is it with that doctor anyway, has he tasted all these things himself? or how does he know how awful they taste? is that part of the study? tasting all the bad things you can prescribe to your patients?

anyway I hope it's going to get better. very soon!

Organdi-what?

last weekend was very quiet, ghost working, me doing nothing much, but lots of it - so decided to do my hair. got some color "organdi-black" some red-black whatever. looks pretty good on the box, I am very excited.

after 30 mins I washed out the color and was in shock ....... bathtub looked really "organdi"! so got out the cleaning stuff and made it look white again. after drying hair I saw nothing but black! no wonder all the red washed down the drain!

that settles it, I am left with black hair, the red has gone off somewhere and I will not buy this brand again.

organdi! what a joke!

Not sexy

at all! is what my voice is. Hardly present is the more accurate description. Stayed home today so I would not have to talk at all. No phones ringing, no people around me.

Au contraire: the ghost came home is all chipper and talking away. One question after the other. Dude!!!!!!! I said no talking for me today! Wash your ears! I am going to drown myself in black tea with lemon. And don't talk me out of it!

I love Switzerland

Kambly cookies are the best!