Joolez Talk

2nd day home

.:|:. May 5, 2004 :.|:.

I am feeling much better already. Although I still can't wear jeans or pants other than my pyjamas. Lady's underwear is a big "no-no" too, it hurts on the big cut. My feet and legs are swollen from sitting all day and sleeping in a chair at night. I should walk more. But walking still hurts. It would be easier if I could dress and take a walk outside. Hopefully by the end of the week I can do that. That would be really nice.

The cats are still trying to jump on me while I am sleeping or sitting on the computer. I scream pretty loud, and I guess they are very confused now, but at least their attempts are are fewer. A jumping cat landing on your recently cut open stomach and chest really hurts. I can assure that.

I am eating toast now. Even had some cheese on it. Potatoes and spinach last night. At least a little bit. I will try pasta (without sauce) today. I am looking forward to a piece of pizza in the - hopefully near - future.

I am free

.:|:. May 3, 2004 :.|:.

I was supposed to be released on Wednesday or Thursday (May 5 / 6), but they released me today, they need the bed, there are three more emergencies. So the ghost can take me home today. I can hardly describe how happy I am to be back.

After I got my paperwork we went to my doctor and she looked at the cut(s) and gave me something to stop my coughing, so the stitches don't pop. I still cannot look at them. It still makes me wanna throw up.

I am happy to be back home, the cats are very excited. I smell strange and I have been away for 12 days (and nights) now. But they are getting used to me again. I really missed them a lot. I missed my home, my computer, my flowers, my books, my everything. Good thing I got the ipod in time, so I could take it with me and already had some songs on it. - I especially like tio thank AIR for their song: All I need with vocals by Beth Hirsch. That song was about the only thing that could relax me before tubes and stitches were drawn. -

I can't sleep on the bed though, I have to sleep on a chair, but I don't care. I am back home. Now without the pain relivers I can really feel all the hurting, throbbing and aching. I am sure it'll get better with time. I have problems sitting down and getting up. I can't pick up things I dropped, and cooking wears me out. It's really weird how big a thing everyday chores all of a sudden have become. I can't lift things, and I can't carry things, the ghost has to help a lot. But I am positive that in 1 or 2 weeks that all is "history" and I am back my normal - maybe even improved - self. I will probably be able to eat things I wasn't able to eat for the last years. But now I am slowly starting with mashed potatoes, applesauce .... I even had a piece of bread already!

Stitches

.:|:. May 2, 2004 :.|:.

Today they took out the thread from the stitches. Holy shit that stuff looks like a thick nylon thread the kind that fisherman use on their rods. And then there is another kind that is black and thick, like a strong thread you need to saw heavy duty jeanswear. I am sick of it. It really hurt. Especially the ones in my navel. Goddess, I hope I am out here soon, I really can't take anymore tubes, and stitches and IVU's, drips, needle poking, blood drawing or any other thing.

Tubes II

.:|:. April 30, 2004 :.|:.

They ripped out the second tube today. I can not even describe the pain. The part of the tube that was stuck inside my body must have been about 25-30 cm's from what it looked like. I am getting nauseous again. And the stitches of the cut(s) are constantly throbbing and aching. And there is a lot of throbbing and aching inside of me too. I have nightmares, every night. I don't sleep at all. They tried sleeping pills on me but they didn't work I am too scared to even close my eyes. In my recurring nightmares I am being slit open and they rummage through my intestines, get everything out and then stuff it back inside again. I am sure it hasn't been very different from that, probably just not as dramatic.

I am off from the oxygen too. But now I have a cough and I can not even describe how that hurts. I always have to hold my stomach and press against the stitches so they don't "pop".

Tubes I

.:|:. April 28, 2004 :.|:.

Today they ripped out the one tube that was put in the left side of my body, the one with the blood. That wasn't bad, it was only a short pain. I am curious when they will take out the other one. I am still in a lot of pain and I am not sure how strong the pain relievers are they are giving me, but 30 mins after I take them I can almost feel no pain at all. Actually I feel "high".

Tomorrow I will get my first food. A soup. I don't want to eat it, I am afraid it'll hurt.

I got nice company in my room now, a woman approx. my age. She had her thyroid taken out and has this huge cut on her neck. Looks like somebody tried to slit her throat. I saw my cut(s) today for a scond. I wanted to look, and I did, but instantly I had to close my eyes, I got nauseous and weak and wobbly in my knees. The cut(s) are huge. At least the one on my stomach. The other two are tiny, I can hardly feel them. One is through my navel. I have to lower my pyjama pants, so they don't rub on it. I am washing myself in the dark, so I don't have to see my cut(s). I am not supposed to shower for at least 14 days. I can only use a washcloth. Now that will be great, I feel terrible and I will smell, too. Just darling.

Surgery

.:|:. April 26,2004 :.|:.

Today I am going into surgery and I am nervous and nearly dying with fear, especially since all my arms and hands are swollen from the many injections and being hooked up to a drip. I am already in the room where they put you to sleep and they can't get the needle in, so they inject something and I am gone off to sleep while they probably poked for another while, but at least I didn't feel it anymore.

I remember waking up and having something in my nose. I remember asking something "clever" as "nose?" and some woman in the waking room is telling me that I am hooked up to oxygen as there were some "minor problems" during surgery. Now, that makes me feel really good.

Next thing I know I am back in my room. Still hooked up to oxygenand IVU (drip) and I have two tubes sticking out from my body, one is connected with a plastic box filled with blood, the other is connected to a flexible plastic sack filled with some brownish liquid, apparently that is gall-fluid.

Next day I am feeling a bit more alive and they decide trying to disconnect me from the oxygen, but hook me up a couple of hours later. No food for the next three days, but what do I care. I haven't eaten for at least 2 weeks now. I am not even hungry. I just want some more pain relievers. My stomach is hurting like hell and I feel really crappy.

CT

.:|:. April 22, 2004 :.|:.

Went to the city today for the CT. Had to throw up when I drank the contrast fluid, therefore they had to give me an intravenous injection of contrast fluid during the exam.

Radiologist made me extremely nervous and scared the shit out of me when he told me that it looks extremely serious and that I better get to a hospital asap. Immanent danger of gallbladder bursting could be life-threatening. So I took a taxi back home instead of the tram I took into the city. Radiologist told me that already a sneeze or cough are enough to let it burst with the amount of infection I have.

Came home told the ghost the "news", so we went to see my doctor. She took a glance at the CT and called the hospital immediately asking for a free bed and told me to go home and pack some stuff, I have to go to the ER immediately. So we did.

The doctors at the ER drew some blood, hooked me up to antibiotics, pain relievers, electrolyte. Then I was sent to "my room". By now the ghost had gotten pretty white in his face and teary-eyed. So while I was in shock I had to comfort him.

The doctor explained the surgery to me and told me that even though they would try to make it with minimal cuts, the odds are that they have to make a huge cut and "manually" divide my intestines to make sure that nothing can contamine my "inside", because that could be really dangerous.

I can't really say that I was thrilled to hear that they were planning on cutting me open and dig in there with full hands. Somehow that reminded me of the many "CSI" episodes I saw and I swear I have never been able to actually look when they cut open people, although I know it's not "real". But this one here is real and it's MY body they are going to cut open.

Hospital Day

.:|:. April 18, 2004 .:|:.

I was supposed to go the hospital, but instead had major colics, throwing up and other "pleasantries". So I called the hospital in the afternoon and told them I couldn't come in. They told me to come in nevertheless. Later that evening Chris came home and I was already in a state where I couldn't even talk anymore. So he called the hospital telling them there was no way he could take me to the hospital. That either we need an ambulance or somebody coming here to stabilize me.

But I guess they didn't take him serious as they only told him, that if we think that we don't want to come that's our decision. So neither a doctor nor an ambulance came. He tried calling our doctor, but of course she is not in her practice on Sundays. So we somehow made it through the night. On Monday morning he called her again and she came to our house around noon, ordered a date for a CT and told me to come into her practice as soon as possible.