Joolez Talk

Teenager years all over again

that's how I feel.

I know a woman who is in love with a man who seems to have betrayed her more than once already. I am unclear about the exact nature of their relationship. According to her it's a relationship, according to him it's an attraction thing. But I don't know him personally and he stated that sometime last year.

I know in the meantime they have met again a couple of times, some of which she  has been happy, some of which she has not. Now I read him flirting with another woman and by reading it it seems there is something going on between them. Now, I know it's none of my business. But I also know that my friend has just returned from a visit with him quite happily and confident about their  joint future.

Now it's killing me if I should tell her or not.  Maybe I am reading something into the flirty conversation that's not there, only because I know of his "history of infidelities". But I don't know him, I only know her. But maybe she is fooling herself and they don't really have a relationship but she only sees what she wants to see when she is with him. I know this, because I have done this before. Then of course  he has every right in the world to flirt with whomever he wants, and far be it for me to say anything.

I don't know her all that much either, I am just beginning to getting to know her. I have tried to find out before just what kind of relationship it is they are having, but it's very unclear.  But I also know that she has cried a couple of times when she thought he was "betraying" her again. She believes in this "relationship" however "real" or "wishful thinking" it is.

And I don't know should I tell or should I not. It's the teenager years all over again. It feels like it. Next thing I know I'll be passing notes  "X likes Z" around.

There I am  in my forties and thought the teens were all behind me only to realize they never end. You get older, you look older, you feel older, but the games we play never change. The rules of "love" "infatuation" are always the same.

If Ihad children, and they were about to experience their first heartsickness I'd never  NEVER tell them that it's only their first lovesickness, and things are going to change and it will all be different when they grow older and they are still so young and it's not all that serious.  I really would not. Because I realize it's not different, or maybe it is different, because "love" is really more intense when you are young. It's worse and it's a lot more  "true".  There is really no point why adults should belittle the lovesickness of teenagers. Instead they should pity us for having lost this intensity.

Living the teens and twens we really are more true and real then we will be later when we are consumed by the daily struggle of providing home and food to ourselves and our families.

And we let ourselves be governed by even older people who don't remember the causes they were fighting for when they were young, when they were not taken in by the greed for safety and personal gain.  Is it any wonder how and why life has become so "dull"?

You gotta

love a nice cold. I believe from time to time we need to be reminded how wonderfully engineered our body is. Just think of what amazing amounts of goo this little plant can procude over night or during the day.  It's also boosts the economy: more tissues, cold remedies, doctors .... Having a cold really is something good.

Still, it just doesn't feel right.

Trust?

Once again, big boss and lady-boss showing up in my office asking me if I have time for a brief talk to "wrap up" the "situation".

Oh can't they never schedule these things and let me know in advance so I can prepare? I hate this!

So big-boss, all cheery eyed and in a chatty mood sweettalking me how wonderful that the medical examination went so well and how delighted they are to have "me on board" again a 100%. And how I have to understand that when he got so "work-nazi" on me in March, that this is his job, the one he is being paid for by the company (to be a jerk?? really they do pay people for that. sounds delightful!), and not to be protective of me as a team member, and how there is so much pressure on him too to cut down on personnel blahblah bollocks ...

Well and he just doesn't want us to have hard feelings on either side, so we can go on working together as a good team, and leave all that crap behind.

So he asks lady-boss how she feels about it. And of course she is all sweet and happy (aren't we all just one happy family?) and how I have been such an asset especially in the last week holding down the fort when we had the shareholders meeting and when the operating figures where out and such. And of course that I am so willingly always offer my help when others are sick or prefer to have private engagements rather than staying in late for their work. But I aka "the idiot" of course will do. Surely no hard feelings on her side either. Once again, we are such a happy family here.

And then of course asking me if there is anything bothering me. Hell, yes, there is! But I just wish I could have prepared myself for this, so I can say it nicely and in proper words, instead of wanting to blurt out exactly how I feel in my anger. So all I could do was smile and cheekily ask back: "bothering? Oh well there's so much, where should I start." And of course they didn't take that seriously.

So in their world everything is back to normal and we are - and I can't stress this enough - a very happy family.

Invasion of the bicycles

Most of my ride to work is easy. Although it's along one of the busiest streets of Munich, it's not bad. The bicycle path is wide and straight on. Trees between the cars and me. Up until when I come into the city, then it gets crowded. The bike path is getting narrow and some parts are even without a bike path, most annoyingly that part also includes a traffic circle (am.: rotary brit.:roundabout) *

Boy, does it get crowded there, this morning I felt like I was driving through Paris from the Arch de Triomphe to the Obelisk (very crowded indeed and very confusing too) or in Rome, which is also pretty confusing. There were bicycles all around me, left, right, in front, behind .... where do they all come from? I feel like I live in bicycle capital ...

Have a nice day.

Be thankful

... for what you've got  ... song by Massive Attack, that I like a lot.

This morning when I was riding my bike to work I realized I am - thankful - for what I got. That I can ride my bike, enjoy the sun, fresh air .. the things I see on my way. Namely today I had my eyes on old ladies walking their dogs. Did you ever realize that these ladies look especially happy? They have a friend, a companion, somebody to care for, somebody to talk to, somebody to sit with on the sofa in the evening when they watch their favorite tv show or anything else.

I think every old lady should have a dog. Although I have cats I have always been a dog person. Still am. I am definitely going to have a dog when I am retired. Probably a cat too. And maybe a couple of guinea pigs ... I don't know .... I just want to have animals around me. Selfish? Yes, definitely! Why I think old ladies should rather have a dog than a cat? Well, easy. A dog needs to get out, so the old lady needs to go with the dog too. That way she'll meet other people and invariably gets to talk to them too. That's just how dog-people are. Just like cat-people, only you can't know if one has a cat - unless you meet them at the pet store buying food or in the supermarket aisle with the cat-food - but dog people usually take their dogs with them when they go for a walk.

I think old people, not only the ladies - but in general they live longer than men - would be so much happier if they had a dog.

I am thankful for old ladies with dogs. It's a good way to start your day.

Crapload of BS

sorry. but that's exactly what I am thinking.

Yesterday's been an "experience"! Around 4 pm I am being told that we have to change a couple of pages in our intranet (61 to be exact, counted them today when I was generating them) that have to be offline until today 7:30 am.  It turned out to be more than just updating and changing, and with the crappy CMS we're using this is so akward to do. Unbelievable!

I am only the backup, usually somebody else does this. And that's her sole job, so for me it's on top of the usual workload.  Well, well. I am not complaining, sometimes it's even fun to do it.

In this case the "changing a couple of pages" turned out to involve making 16 pdf-files, working in 4 different excel sheets with major number crunching and some hefty formulas / equations and analysis behind it and also references to other tables and sheets, that it already took me some time to understand them. I had never worked in these tables before, but I had to make sure everything worked.  Needless to say I am an absolute failure in the math department, but somehow I seem to be doing not too shabby with excel tables. Additionally there was a powerpoint presentation involved and just a few graphs that had to be converted into gifs.

Not funny

when the handle bar of your bike is beeing shoved into your stomach right where that monstrous scar where they cut you open sits. Major ouch!

All in your mind

Riding your bike to work in the morning can have a mind blowing effect on clarity about yourself. Maybe it's that "wind" thing breezing through your brain, when you go fast enough? However, while I was

• being annoyed with "el stupido" who was going in the wrong direction and not even making an effort to get out of my way
• catching a glimpse of the blond woman wearing only a bra & jeans and cleaning the windows - while it was raining I might add ...
• trying to go faster because it started raining and I didn't want to arrive at work like a wet cat - I am already having a bad hair day

now while all of this and a couple of unmentioned episodes were going on I realized that whatever deal I was making out of this innocent "back again"" mail, it's all in my mind. I am making this huge movie-drama-thingy out of it playing only in my head while it's only a mail. Simply announcing somebody who has been away is back. No biggie.

If only this bike-riding thing could solve all my other problems ... Seriously you would never see me taking the car / bus / subway / tram .... again.

Now I am curious. For tonight they forecasted hail and rain ... that'll be so much fun taking the bike in that kind of weather. Who cares, the ride's only 20-30 mins, and what would life be without it's little surprises. So surprise me ...

Pandoras Box

now that you opened it, and you don't even know you did, and you couldn't have opened it if it hadn't been opened a crack already to begin with, now that it's opened I guess I have to deal with it one way or another.

I realize that it's not like you came storming back in "hello, here I am". No, it took you nearly 3 weeks to let me now. So I should know "back again" is really all there is. Nothing else implied. Everything I am reading into it is really my problem. Still . . .

I don't know if it's bad timing or perfect timing. But if there hadn't been this riff none of my current thoughts would have been able to butt in like this. It's not you, it's me. But it's also me who has to decide what to do about it.

And that "back again" is really, really a hard decision. I know that seeing you doesn't mean anything. We just might meet and nothing happens, the past will be the past and that will probably be it. But I will still know that something is wrong , otherwise none of  what is going on in my mind would have happend.

"Back again"

Love’s a mysterious thing. You can’t force it, neither can you take a raincheck on it. You can’t run after it, nor can you hide from it. Loving is always a one-way street. Being loved back is a gift and does not neccessarily follow love.

So you do the wise thing to do and leave it behind, go on with your life, and then out of the blue she has sneaked up on you, tapping on your shoulder from behind. She might pose as an innocent email waiting for you with a harmless message like “back again”. And all of a sudden she ist there flirting for your attention.