I hate it when asthma gets the better of me, and interferes with my social life.
It's hard enough with the people who know me and know that I am having these frequent attacks and know that it sounds terrible, and also feels terrible, but know that they can't do anything about it, they can't help me, and neither can I, and therefore just let me "cough it out" and then continue our conversation as if nothing happened.
But it's tough with people who don't know me. People who happen to sit next to me in in a movie theatre or a café and who then look at me with this big question in their eyes "What is that? Are you contageous? Stop coughing alright, you're ruining the film!"
I don't telephone for the same reasons. In fact, although I have a flat rate on my phone and 60 mins on my mobile, I hardly call anyone. And nobody calls me unless it's an emergency, all communication is usually written.
I barely have a voice, oftentimes none at all. Speaking is hard. Most of the time people do not understand me, unless they know me, and if I really HAVE to call somebody I keep it extremely short, but you can't do that with people who don't know you. They don't understand that you just hang up because an asthma attack arrived and you can hardly breathe. People who know me know this and know I can only get out few words and sentences. People who don't know me think I am weird. The worst is to have to actually talk in a different language, it's kind of ok in person, but on the phone it's extremely hard and frustrating because they don't understand me and I can't waste time explaining why, because that cuts down on my actual speaking abilities. It's just my handicap, I can't change anything about it. So instead of calling, I write.
I am thankful for the internet, where I can write, where the coughing neither disturbs a conversation nor bothers anyone, because nobody can hear or see it.
Sometimes I wish all my life could happen just in writing ... never having to talk again. Of course I would still have asthma attacks, although not as many.
Today is one of those days where I am not sure if I should make a certain phone call or not.
People see my picture and have an idea about who I am, how I am and then they hear me coughing and all of a sudden I am this other person. The one who you need to pity.
But I don't need any pity. I am who I am. And I have asthma. Unfortunately it belongs to me just the same as my arms and legs , my hair and my eyes, my lips, my ears ... I am made of all those things.
